Guest Contribution by U. M.
Today, almost sixteen years after my son was born, I can speak about the topic of single mothers and careers from personal experience. It took me enormous strength to become a successful businesswoman and entrepreneur, relying on the very strengths that we single mothers possess.
We are responsible for our children 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, without holidays or days off. We accept this responsibility without much fuss, not just emotionally, but also physically and financially. I underestimated this when, as a professionally successful woman in my late thirties, I decided to move into my own apartment with my one-year-old son after a short, failed relationship.
The Beginnings of My Career
My “career” began with top grades in Germany and a university degree in the USA. “Girl, you’ll have to manage on your own; you won’t see a penny from us,” said my disappointed parents, who had hoped I would become a German dentist.
What followed were some right and some wrong decisions:
In the USA, I rationally chose computer science (right). This landed me a job in a pharmaceutical company, and I lived well and was married in the USA. In the early 90s, we moved to Europe due to the poor economic situation (wrong). I gave up my hard-earned corporate job and moved to Germany with my husband. This ended with a new good job for me and a traumatic divorce. He returned to the USA; I stayed in Germany and lost my American residence permit because I didn’t inform myself (wrong).
The Child Needs a Father
Family seemed distant, but my career soared: positions in Cologne, Brussels, and Bremen. In my mid-30s, I worked for one of the largest international companies in Geneva, managing a team of 20 employees, and had a shining career offer to move to Italy as IT Director. As I had met my second husband and was thinking about family, I declined the position (declining = always wrong). Then my son came, and we married “so the child would have a father.” After four months of parental leave, my position in Geneva was suddenly taken by another rising male colleague. They offered me a new, quite good position in Bremen. Since my husband refused to leave Geneva, I turned down this offer too (of course wrong), and accepted a transfer to the Swiss business unit in a less qualified position without personnel responsibility.
Are Mothers Less Capable?
This is still common in corporations today: female executives are suddenly seen as less capable when they become mothers – quite different from our male colleagues. Men take only 1-2 months of parental leave; we women take 1-2 years…
Life as a Single Mother
Due to differing views on role distribution and family life, we separated when our son was a year old. Suddenly, I was “a single mother.” Initially, everything went smoothly: I adjusted my work to 80% from Monday to Thursday. I dropped my little one at the company kindergarten at the other end of the city at 7:30 AM to work from 8 AM to 6 PM, and picked him up at 6:30 PM. Not a perfect family life, but we enjoyed time together from Thursday evening to Monday morning.
Then the child got sick. He coughed allergically every night, non-stop. No doctor could help, and after 4 months, I was at my wits’ end. I didn’t sleep because we mothers hear every little cough. The father refused (of course) to take care of the sick child on weekends (out of hurt pride? Or just no desire?). Instead, one Friday morning, a Swiss bailiff stood at the door and read the lawsuit from my ex-husband, who sued me for alimony.
Don’t Get Sick!
No wonder: I became seriously ill and needed a long hospital treatment. My family in Germany advised me to quit my well-paid corporate job (that was so very wrong). So, I quit, moved back to Germany, and lived off my savings (also wrong). During this time, I took care of my son and my health, and fortunately, I fully recovered.
With luck, I received maintenance advance through youth welfare support, and with the help of my then-great lawyer, I also got sole custody (2008). Her recommendation was: “Give up alimony, you primarily need sole custody.” I did that (right). Since then, I have received the minimum child support.
Single Mothers and Careers – Reload
In 2008, I started from scratch. A job in a corporation based on my previous career (and especially at my previous salary) was neither achievable nor manageable for me as a single mother.
So, I started a consulting firm with my childhood friend, focusing on career training and coaching, as this seemed to provide a somewhat flexible schedule and a reasonable income. Of course, it wasn’t lucrative project work like many male colleagues have, earning six figures annually: they’re away Monday to Friday and sometimes on weekends with the motto “Honey, I’m off!” No chance, as I had to be home in the evenings!
Friends Are Important!
My week often started on Tuesday at 6:30 AM with a 2-hour drive from Frankfurt to Dortmund, then training, and an evening return to Frankfurt, arriving around 8 PM. The same on other days, with almost 50,000 kilometers a year. Acquisition and office work at any time, seamlessly, also on weekends. At least this was something I knew and could do – 24 hours a day, as a single mother, diligent and seamless, and only possible with reliable (and expensive) childcare. Expensive additional training and qualifications were possible, with good organization, and especially with good friends and a bit of persuasion: “Eddie loves playing with Max… could Max stay over the weekend again?”
Since my son was 12, there has occasionally been contact with his father and grandmother, and twice a year, week-long visits to Switzerland. Guess who pays for the trip…?
Ten Years Later – Successful Career Coach and Trainer
But – the efforts have paid off. Today, after 10 years, my friend and I are successful in the training business. During this time, we have successfully advised and coached hundreds of male and female executives in career transitions and crises, including single mothers. Many successful trainings in career management and workshops in communication and leadership with corporate clients form the foundation of our success.
Retirement? Excuse Me?
A bitter aftertaste remains – a residential property for retirement security was always out of reach: which bank gives a single self-employed woman a mortgage, for example? Even getting a rental apartment in the city is almost impossible: “What, in your situation? We’d rather take the young couple with two incomes…”
My pension? None… I was only married in the USA for 8 years; pension rights from the ex-husband arise after 10 years. And unfortunately, only 9 years in the Swiss corporation; a pension is granted only after 10 years of service. No one told me, and I didn’t ask or research but decided based on my gut feeling and relatively spontaneously (wrong).
That means for me: keep working, and once my son finishes school, to really get going again. A secure, relaxed retirement is far off!
The Struggle for Survival
No question: I love my son and wouldn’t want to miss a single day with him. But if faced with the decision again with the knowledge I have today? The consequences for single mothers in our society are unacceptably harsh, while fathers are not held accountable, neither personally nor financially. For fathers, fatherhood is often a fun event. But for me, life as a single mother has always been a struggle for economic survival.
Single Mothers and Careers?
This is just a fairy tale we women are supposed to believe, so we work three times as hard.