Protecting and Empowering Children
Family-court proceedings come with many hurdles, especially when the overall setting is strongly “pro father.” In other words, when the professionals involved in the process focus more on the father’s rights than on the child’s wellbeing – something we are sadly seeing more and more often in the cases that reach us. Mothers in these situations are in a very weak position and must tolerate a constant stream of attacks and humiliations. That is hard, but it becomes manageable once you step back from your own ego and focus only on your strategic goal.
There is, however, one point at which even the most resilient, strong, and competent woman breaks: when she realizes how little she can shield her own child from the harm caused by the family-court system. Not being able to protect your child is almost unbearable. Unfortunately, we know exactly what that feels like from our own experience.
The “experts” are wrong
Over many years of supporting mothers, and through the stories of our own children – some of whom are now adults – we have come to a clear conclusion: the professionals involved are wrong when they tell us, “Keep the children out of it.” That is impossible. They are right in the middle of it.
There is a way to protect and strengthen your children:
Talk to your child.
But be careful: there is a lot to consider. It makes a huge difference how you talk to your child and what you say.
Read more: Navigating family-court proceedings with a narcissistic co-parent
My child is aggressive
Many mothers ask themselves why their child is so aggressive when they come back from time with the other parent. Or, on the contrary, why their child is completely shut down and unreachable for the first two hours. How is it possible that the child runs happily toward the other parent, then screams or melts down when they are brought back? Some women respond with the painful thought: “Maybe my child is just a ‘daddy’s child.’” We doubt that.
If your situation is what is called a high-conflict case and/or the other parent shows narcissistic traits, it is far more likely that, from a certain age, your child develops strategies to navigate this emotional minefield between the parents. That says nothing about their true attachment to either parent.
On the contrary: in most cases, the parent in front of whom the child shows aggression is the one with the more secure bond. This is where the child can finally let go and release tension. With the narcissistic, manipulative parent, the child has to behave exactly as that parent expects. We don’t know whether this is true in your specific situation. But it is worth taking a closer look before you, as the mother, conclude: “She (or he) must really love her dad.” We doubt that too, and we are happy to explain why.
Don’t leave your child alone in this
The truth is: you leave your child completely alone in their distress if you do not address what is happening – in a way that is age-appropriate and child-friendly. Many mothers follow the (wrong) advice of so-called child experts and avoid talking about it. The child learns: Mom doesn’t help either. I am completely on my own.
We regularly see the consequences in our coaching work: when these children reach pre-teen and early teen years, this mistake can come back painfully. It is not uncommon for children between 10 and 14 to “voluntarily” move in with the manipulative parent. This almost always ends in disaster – for the mother, and even more so for the child.
That is what we want to prevent. Look closely. Choose a different path than the one the so-called experts recommend. Choose the right path – and we will show you how.
